Kissing a School"
by Duff the Magic Dragon
Summary: Lawndale students having (eep) relationships? The faculty takes action..at everyone's expense


Daria 

In 

"Kissing a School" 

Hey there- here's a pointless little fic I started writing. Lemme know what you think so far. 

-duff da magic dragon 

Chapter One 

(Shot of exterior of Lawndale High, slow zoom in.) 

(Cut to Inside O'Neil's room) 

O'Neil : Hester Prynne has long been considered one of the strongest female character's of American literature. Can anyone tell me why? 

(Kevin raises hand) 

O'Neil: Yes, Kevin? 

Kevin: She slept with a priest guy! 

O'Neil: Well, yes, that's true, but not exactly the answer I was looking for. Anyone else? 

Daria: (sighs, raises hand) 

O'Neil: Why yes, Daria? 

Daria: Hester Prynne was a woman who accepted her faults looked beyond social judgment and listened to herself as a person. She wears the A as a sign of her sin and displays it with pride, as if it were a part of herself. Therefore, the letter changes it's meaning to `able' as her bravery is shown in her rejection of social rules and how it strengthens her. 

O'Neil: Very good Daria! And can anyone tell me why she becomes so strong after committing her lustful sin? 

Kevin: Because you'd have to pretty strong to be able to violate a priest? 

O'Neil: (sighs) 

(Bell Rings) 

O'Neil: You're dismissed. (Daria grabs her backpack and starts heading out the door) Daria! Wait, could I have a word with you? 

Daria: Sure. Let's make the word- "goodbye". 

O'Neil: I wanted to congratulate you on the excellent job you did on your essay last weekend. (hands paper to her) I've never seen such outstanding analysis in my life! 

Daria: Outstanding is what I do best, sir. 

O'Neil: This paper brings your class grade up to an A+! I just wanted to say I'm proud at your effort in this class. 

Daria: Don't flatter me, Mr. O'Neil. I'm allergic to flattery. 

O'Neil: Oh, I'm so sorry! Can you ever forgive me? 

(Daria rolls her eyes) 

((Cut to Morgendorffer's house, Daria's Bedroom, after school. She is sitting on her bed talking on the phone) 

Tom: (VO) That's great, Daria. I can't believe you've managed to get a perfect grade in your class...not that I was doubting your ability by any stretch of the imagination. 

Daria: Gee, Thanks. 

Tom: I think we need to celebrate. 

Daria: Well, I would assume by `we', you'd be referring to you and I, and celebrate definitely isn't in my vocabulary. 

Tom: Oh, Daria. Can't we just go out on a Friday night and pretend we're normal for a couple hours? I know it'll be difficult but we can persevere, I have faith. 

Daria: Now why would we want to do that? 

Tom: I don't know, sure as hell beats sitting around my house cleaning out the fridge. 

Daria: Well, I guess a little change in environment might be good for me. Any ideas in mind? 

Tom: I was thinking about taking a ride to the Cineplex to see what's playing? (mock enthusiasm) I hear they're showing an all singing, all dancing version of `The Divine Comedy'. 

Daria: I bet the Inferno never looked so good in sequins and spandex. 

((Cut to Outside movie theatre, Daria and Tom are standing in line for the movie)) 

Tom: Damn, it sure is getting cold. Do you want my jacket? 

Daria: And risk clashing the Bargain Basement with Gucci? 

Tom: (Takes off brown leather jacket, drapes it on her shoulders) You know you really can be a pain in the ass sometimes. 

Daria: (blushes slightly) Thanks. I'll consider that a compliment. 

(Tom and Daria approach ticket counter.) 

Tom: Two for `Dante!: A Musical Journey through the Cantos', please. (looks at Daria and grins) and tonight I'm paying. 

Daria: Alright. Who are you and what have you done with my...boyfriend? 

Tom: You say it like it's some pornographic word. Would it help if I said it with you? Boooy-fri... 

Daria: (mockingly) Go to hell. 

Tom: That's why we're seeing this movie, isn't it? To escape our little personal hells to pay 8 bucks to see Hollywood's version of it. Now if that's not a good date then may I be gnawed in the jaws of Beelzebub for all eternity. 

(Close up of Daria's face, Mona Lisa - grin) 

(Pan out as they enter the movie theater. Scan out across the long line of people waiting at the ticket counter. We see Mr. O'Neil and Ms. Barch standing in line together.) 

Barch: (Looks at watch) The movie is gonna start soon! Can't these people move!? 

O'Neil: Be patient, Janet. We're almost at the counter! I'm sure we'll be on time for this documentary on the Amazon women. 

Barch: We better! Nothing like watching a big steamy pile of man carcasses! 

O'Neil: (nervous) Oh, yes. 

Barch: (Stops at counter, her turn. She buys herself a ticket.) Go ahead, Skinny. I've gotta hit the ladies room. I'll see you in the theater. 

O'Neil: Alright. 

(He makes his way up to the ticket counter.) 

(Cut to Daria and Tom in the theater. They sit next two each other, near the back of the theater, blank expressions on their faces. The lights from the movie screen are seen reflecting off of them.) 

(Cut to the Screen. There are two men in robes standing next to each other, with fakey looking snow and icicles around them.) 

Dante: (singing, tenor) Virgil, oh Virgil, why is it so cold!? 

Virgil: (singing baritone) Because we are away from the light (points up) The light of the Lord's gold. Because we are away from the warmth, that our dear God holds. 

(people in tan spandex run out from behind rocks and mounds of snow) 

Chorus: (excited singing) Because we are away from the warmth that our dear God holds!! 

(Cut back to Daria and Tom) 

Daria: This sucks in hellish proportions. 

Tom: Sorry I'm putting you through this. Would you like some popcorn that also sucks in hellish proportions? 

Daria: Yum. (reaches over and sticks her hand his bag of popcorn) 

Tom: (He grins, grabs her arm as she's reaching over him, and gives her a quick peck on the check) 

Daria: (looks shocked at first, then smiles a little) Slick move, Casanova. 

Tom: (grins, faux romantic voice.) Oh I'm just getting started 

(They lean in and give a couple more quick kisses, which turns into a long one as they embrace) 

(Cut to outside the theatre room)) 

(Mr. O'Neil has an armload of popcorn, candy and sodas) 

O'Neil: (looks up at signs above two doors next to each other. One reads DANTE and the other reads AMAZON) Ah, here we are. (takes sip from soda) 

(Suddenly 3 little kids run past him quickly, throwing him off balance.) 

O'Neil: Eep! (He stumbles, but holds on the food, then regains his footing) Whew! 

(He looks down as he sips into his soda, and walks into DANTE theater) 

O'Neil: (quietly) Janet? Janet? (looks around the house) I bough Jujubes! Janet? 

(O'Neals POV. He turns his head and sees two people making out. Zoom in. He sees a girls face and the back of a boys head. He recognizes the face as Daria's.) 

O'Neil: Eep!! (drops the popcorn soda and candy on the floor and runs out of theater.) 

(Cut to Tom and Daria) 

Tom: What was that? 

Daria: (deadpan and quick) The sound of Phlegyas slapping a soul with an oar. Keep going. 

(They return to kissing) 

(Cut to outside the theatre room, O'Neil quickly exiting the DANTE room. He runs right into Ms. Barch) 

O'Neal: Ooph! 

Barch: (sternly) What are you doing? The movie's in here. (points to the AMAZON door) 

O'Neil: I'm so sorry Janet! I just saw two of our students ( hesitantly)...kissing! In there! It was PDA! 

Barch: PDA? Oh get with the times, skinny. They're high schoolers. 

O'Neil: But it was Daria Morgendorffer and a boy! Together! 

Barch: Daria? This is serious! Of all the girls in school I thought she'd be the least likely to throw herself away! (angry) C'mon! 

(She grabs O'Neil by the arm and pulls him off screen w/ her) 

O'Neil: Ooh! 

_____ 

(Cut to Principal Li's house. She is sitting in her pajamas on the phone, looking rather angry.) 

Li: You saw what? 

(Cut to a split screen of Li and Barch. Barch is on a payphone with O'Neil standing sheepishly behind her.) 

Barch: It was PDA! Our young female students are degrading themselves in public places! 

Li: Well, clearly this a foreboding sign of what ramped sexual behavior all of our students must be embarking in! Their safety and reputation is at stake, and that of Laaawndale High. This does not reflect kindly on us! 

Barch: Will something be done about this?? 

Li: Oh, don't you worry. (sneaky, low) I shall conceive and craft the master plan! (snorts and snickers) 

____ 

Oooh.. .how you like so far!? I know its ridiculously short and pretty pointless but shall I continue? Feedback, people, feedback!! 

Oh yeah. I decided I would start referencing sources. 

Title- taken from "Kissing a Fool" 

-(book) Scarlet Letter 

- (movie) The Divine Comedy by Dante 


End file.
